MAFS Roundup: What Do You Get When You Pair A Crypto Bro With An Influencer? defensive hell (2023)

It's time for our third.MAFSrecap, and at this point I am prepared to be drowned in prejudice.

Before going into moreMAFSnuptials, we are getting honeymoon updates.

miis a king who puts strong pillows on his bed tosandywithout her having to ask.

Lyndallmicamerathey are being affectionate on Fraser Island. “He knows me very well and everything is going well,” she explains.

Being together is everything you could wish for for both of you. And the straight female population as we work to close theorgasm gap.

jessemiclairethey're spending time alone after he screwed up the existence of his new wife.

bronzedmipapai rolls/harrison- which I almost forgot they existed - are on their honeymoon in the Hunter Valley.

Bronte FaceTiming with a sister's daughter,Kirra, who says thatJessica(woman in pink dress who revealed Bunnings Daddy's dating history at wedding) sucks for not being at the bridal party.

Maid of honor?

"So she messed with my husband after two hours because she couldn't stand the fact that it wasn't about her?" Bronte asked.

Bronte can't believe it! She loves! Reminder: Jessica was alsoThe singlesthis year. He would be jealous if he was in that car accident instead ofMAFStoo. But at least there were boys toto chooseof.

hold on. Now Kirra, the woman who went crazy with himscandal- is saying that Bunnings Daddy is a great match for Bronte.

Do you think what Jessica said was made up, or do you just realize that dating before meeting a stranger isn't the worst thing that's ever happened?

Either way, Bronte's over it and she's ready to see her Bunnings Daddy get naked. Or something like that.

Wedding time!

The first istahnee, a 27 year old PR manager who has definitely done some PR for me at some point in my life. She is very well known. And she is a trap!

is being combined withOllie, a 26-year-old voice actor who plays indoor golf and seems to laugh a lot. He is very happy to be here!

MAFSmakes this couple relevant by showcasing their dating app issues in the biggest push for Gen Z viewers I've ever seen.

Tahnee believes that people are not being honest with their intentions about apps. But she is walking from Bondi to Bronte in this clip. Perhaps if she expanded her match radius, she could find men who weren't complete jerks?

She makes it seem like men are dating her and "dumping" her, which is understandable. Especially if you've been to Ravesis.

Tahnee is the most PR person I've ever met, which is unfortunate since Ollie seeks to go beyond the surface level.

Tahnee doesn't want a dishonest man with a bowl cut and I appreciate her for keeping standards low and down to earth.

They're getting married at Carriageworks, which was definitely over budget. Ollie introduces himself as "Oliver" to the bridal party instead of Ollie, which was a shame for him as I'll always call him OLIVERRRRR now, like I'm performing an exorcism on him too.

You won't get this if you haven't seen it.house bunnyand for that, I'm sorry.

Tahnee is on her way and she's so PR it hurts. Like post-show interviews are so boring because apparently she's already so well versed in crisis media.

OLIVERRR says he doesn't have a poker face, so we'll find out if he thinks his new wife is mashed potatoes (she's not).

Look, I'd say the guy is very happy.

Tahnee is happy too, almost as happy as her sister.

Tahnee is "like, really nervous." She's, "like, shaking."

She says things like "Stoppppppp" and "Oh my God" sojesseI would despise her.

In OLIVERRR's vows, he says, "Let's find solace in each other and I hope we fall in love too."

They all act like children and say “awwwww” in response. Imagine if this happened at a royal wedding? They would slap you in the face. At this point, we should let the bridal party get married, keeping in mind the humidity levels in those seats.

I think this couple will come to an end out of convenience and tolerance levels and break up immediately after. Do not create expectations!

God, I'm so bored with this union. They peck to consume and that's fine. Why is the celebrant American? Where is this guy?

we meet nextJanelleWhat is this?MAFShe's not even fakingellasigned up for this show.

"Janelle was chosen by the experts to participate in the experiment." I love this transparency.

We are a fly on the wall for your beauty vlog and this is a nightmare worse than my paralysis demon. He is showing us one of his favorite looks, everyone!!! Hurrah!! Let's check!!!

They call her a "beauty influencer" instead of a "beauty educator", which is apparently Bronte's job. Maybe they couldn't have two? She's really sorry for Rimmel and Maybelline's struggle to choose who to sponsor after this show.

Shit, did he just do a hair move? Trust in this woman! Alive.

Janelle became a beauty influencer when she broke up with her ex. A week later, her followers and income have tripled and is anyone surprised? Success happens when you want to “win” the contest “who is happier”. WE ALL KNOW.

She thinks the universe rewarded her for breaking up with her ex. Yes.

She wants someone with a career if possible.

So they found a crypto brother for her. His name isAdamand he was in a relationship for a full decade, longer than all my relationships combined.

He says he was "weak at the time" and "made a mistake" so clearly that he drenched his penis in moisture that was not his lover's.

Crypto Bro is wearing a green velvet blazer and everything else, as long as it's not the hot pink outfit Jesse was wearing on herMAFS wedding 2023. He can't tell left from right, so Janelle's brothers have decided he's too dumb for her sister.

Crypto Bro turns around and looks happy.

"Holy crap. She was stunning," she says (she is). Janelle is also "very happy."

Crypto Bro says that he knew he was going to marry her from the moment he saw her. That's not fun to me. We've heard this joke before. Surely the producers approve of that? Worth it just for the laugh from Janelle tbh.

He talks about mistakes and regrets and I need to know what they are. Did you buy instead of adopt? Have you ever owned a fedora hat?

Can someone get the dick out of Janelle's brother's ass?

Let someone stop you from committing murder.

Reception time.

Crypto Bro is trying to explain his business on competitions, which sounds like a gambling adventure to me. Have fun ruining people's lives!

Oh wait, do you want to launch a podcast? Enter the sugar line. Janelle decides to keep an open mind about her non-existent career.

At Tahnee and OLIVERRRRR's wedding, we now know that Tahnee's vocabulary is 90% made up of the term “good vibes”.

They're talking about good movies likeGo outthat everyone knows it's a good movie. You are not connecting.

OLIVERRR felt something as she pouted at Tahnee. In your heart or in your eggplant, honey?

Back to the other, equally boringMAFSmarriage.

Janelle's brother is up in arms. They think Crypto Bro may have been arrested and wow, that escalated quickly. I think he can't keep his dick in his pants, other people think he's handcuffed for public indecency. I think this is the result of trust issues, right?

Crypto bro says he was compromised and duped. YOU KNEW. I don't want to generalize men, but fuck, surprise me. Just once.

josemiJordan(Janelle's non-crypto siblings) are not impressed. But somehow they let Adam tell Janelle instead of telling her. I love that.

holy shit was aAndré Tate/ Was a pyramid scheme joke just made?NoI love that.

I fell asleep for a bit because this episode isn't doing anything to me and it turns out that OLIVERRR and Tahnee are kissing during their first dance. Clear.

Janelle and Crypto Bro are sitting by the fire and he will definitely tell her that he is a dirty dog. He tells her and she thinks that since he cheated on her 10 years ago, it's not a reflection of who he is now.

Glad to hear that, considering 2013 was the year I took an annual vacation to do MDMA at 11:00.

Janelle asks Crypto Bro if his career is stable and he says he manifests his life. Oh darling. where is our girlHollywhen you need it? She thanks him for being honest, which is code for "kill me now."

Janelle worries that she's 35 and doesn't have a solid career, which I take as a personal attack since I'm chasing people for pennies instead of saving lives.

It's the morning after and horribly, there's such a great vibe (!!!!) wherever Tahnee and OLIVERRRR stay. They don't know where Fiji is. Which is where they go on their honeymoon because of the good vibes!!!!

I think Tahnee would hit her e-mail exclamation mark for the week on any given Tuesday.

The vibes are a little off in bed with Janelle and the Crypto Bro. She looks for more information on her "competing little business" and look, I'd also like to clarify what the heck this is.

"Are you worried that I don't have money or something?" he asks. He thinks it's a red flag and is quite defensive. I get it, but it's also an interesting answer.

“I've always been the one to help them and guide them in their careers, something I don't want to do. I don't want to be the mother of another couple," Janelle tells the producers.

Damn word for your mother. Meanwhile, Cyrpto Bro is furious, if someone has a gym set for him?

Tahnee and OLIVERRR are busy shitting on all the budget used for Fiji.

They also "were shocking" in tennis. They also received "oily" messages and OLIVERRR is clearly very hot for Tahnee.

Meanwhile, Janelle and the Crypto Bro are still talking about their jobs, and as someone who's played 9-5 on the bird, that bothers me.

Janelle doesn't think asking about a career is that weird. TRUE?

She explains why she is interested in the stability of her career (it aligns with her aspirations for the future).

But it has investments and cryptocurrencies! But I won't tell him. If I had investments and cryptocurrencies, I wouldn't show them either. Not because it indicates that I have money, but because it indicates that I am an idiot.

Crypto Bro explains that it is more important for him to meet a person outside of his career. It's also true? I see both sides.

Might not be sure where your career is now? Clear. Should he judge when he will have a career similar to hers after this? Maybe not.

She apologizes. We like Janelle. She is a good communicator, she takes responsibility and apologizes. I can't wait to see you at the commitment ceremonies.

It's raining "woooowww" and "awesome" in Fiji, where the dicking has almost definitely taken place.

“Ollie and I were really close last night,” Tahnee explains in a speech she rehearsed beforehand.

She is "delighted" with the alleged penetration.

It's OLIVERRR's turn to talk about sex. "Yeah, she was fine, what did Tahnee say? Did she say she was fine?"

Dying. We love a self-aware king.

"I was really happy about that," she confirms, and why I'm horny. Tell me what this king does to make you so chubby!

Maybe we'll find out next timeMAFSsummary, since the honesty boxes are on the way.

This writer will suffer the pain of MAFS 2023 with you. you can follow herhere.

Image: Channel Nine